Obvious TV Programming tips for dumbass execs

1. Any outlet carrying NBA games - Stop putting the fucking Miami Heat in nationally televised games. They suck, it's over, deal with it.
2. WWE - For the love of God, make John Cena a heel already. Have him attack Triple H, and get one last run for "The King of Kings" up and going.
3. Law and Order - Bring back Fred Thompson and Dennis Farina. The new assistant DA blows and no offense Jeremy Sisto, but you're one pathetic loser.
4. The NFL Network - More Deion Sanders interviews with him using the "cool ass m'fucker" voice he used when he asked T.O. Owens the infamous question about his playing status for the playoffs: "At what level?"...Oh, and no offense Rich Eisen, but you're one pathetic loser. Stop trying to be funny.
5. Reality TV - Die, with the cause of death being death. I know the writer's strike necessitates the use of writer free TV, but these reality TV a-wholes blow. I saw an ad for Big Brother 9 the other day, which means there had to be 8 other Big Brother predecessors. I was flabbergasted. Y'all strung 8 of these things together before this one? Good Lord, these shows make me want to use a gun barrel as a tooth pick.

Take the Gints and th' points

In Sunday's extremely anticlimactic Super Bowl, take the New Yorks and the points against the Chowder Heads. The Giants are playing well and the Pats look beatable, or in this case coverable. The Pats D is pretty old, and the Gints have enough weapons to make a game of this thing. Amani Toomer's washed-upness is countered by Rodney Harrison and the Greek fisherman hat wearing, very ancient, Junior Seau. If the Jag's Dennis Northcutt wasn't a straight up buster, and the Chargers had a competent QB, the Pats might not even be in this game. The Giants on the other hand are beating teams in front of them, and most of all, they are not beating themselves. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an acting class taught by Carl Weathers to attend.

CM's 2008 CFB Top 10

The early NFL defections are in, as of today, so that means it's time to get inside the head of the pollsters. This what I think they will be thinking when they vote the preseason polls for '08:

1. Georgia - Dallas native Matt Stafford at QB and the expolsive Knowshon Moreno give the Dawgs the O, whilst the D returns 7 starters
2. USC - Acquitted rapist Matt Sanchez will throw to big time targets in WR Pat Turner and do it all sophmore Joe McKnight
3. Ohio State - Beanie Wells totes the rock, while LB Joe Laurinitis and CB Malcolm Jenkins are future NFLers on D
4. West Virginia - My pick to win it all in 2008 before last year, Pat White and Noel Devine will need RB Jason Gwaltney to step up and replace Steve Slaton
5. LSU - QB Ryan Perriloux and RB Keiland Williams along with stud WR Brandon La Fell give the Bayou Bengals a potent O
6. Florida - The extremely overrated Tim Tebow and dynamic WR Percy Harvin means that the Gators are still pretty good
7. Penn State - Only Dan Connor leaves on D, and WR Derrick Williams is a straight up baller on the flank along with returning starters Norwood and Butler; The TE (Andrew Quarless) is also decent
8. OU - QB Sam Bradford leads 9 returning starters on O, and if DT DeMarcus Granger will stop shoplifting long enough, the D-Line will be great
9. Missouri - The Chase to Chase combo (QB Daniel and TE Coffman) will be back and with the help of burner Jeremy Macklin (4.3 speed), the O will be prolific; the D returns 8 starters led by future NFLer FS William Moore
10. Texas - QB Colt McCoy is on CM's Hot Seat, but he should be better in 2008; The D will be much better in 2008, led by DEs Brian Orakpo and Aaron Lewis and a trio of junior LBs among the nation's fastest, and a group of blue chippers in the secondary; UT is also in the running to get Cali schoolboy phenom Darell Scott to play RB for them this fall

Again, this is how I believe they will be ranked in the preseason by the polls. I'm sticking with my 2 years in advance pick of West Virginia to be the champs in 2008. It has worked out well for me so far (UF and LSU in 2006 and 2007). My choice for the 2009 champs? Let's go with our bi-curious crimson and cream neighbors to the north, the dirt burgling Oklahoma Sooners.

8 appearances and 5 wins vs 3 appearances and 2 wins...An easy choice

1. Pat Crayton sucks (Brandon Jacobs was right)
2. Jacque Reeves NEVER could play...ever. Amani Toomer is washed up and Reeves couldn't even cover him (Former Dallas CB Kevin Smith was wrong, dead wrong when he said Reeves could play)
3. Wade Phillips is a loser and always will be (his record speaks for itself)

Once these problems are addressed, all will be right with the world.

Big Blue v. The 'Boys in Blue

The national media loves the NY Gints in Sunday's Divisional Playoff game against Dallas. Dan Marino, Chris Berman, Cris Carter, Sean Salisberry, all think NY will win. They all harp on the same themes: It's hard to beat a team 3 times in one year (although the team with the 2 wins is 11-6 in the third game since 1982); The Cowboys looked bad the last 4 games of the year (even though at 11-1, they won the 2 they had to win for home field advantage throughout); Eli's figured it out, just look at the Tampa and New England games. All of which are true, but here's a few other trends that were left out: When the home team is a 7 or more point favorite, they are 15-1 straight up since 1990. Not to mention 25-4 since 1980. Basically, the only way the Giants win is a Cowboy choke. It's not like it has never happened, but that's what it will take, an absolute collapse on Dallas' part.

Robin Harris: Short life, long on comedy

Be'-Be's Kids, is quite simply the finest comedy album ever, narrowly edging out Andrew Clay's The Day the Laughter Died, and Eddie Murphy's Raw. The late Robin Harris (1953-1990) was at his absolute zenith with this offering, and much like people focused on Clay's nursery rhymes, the Be' Be's kids bit overshadowed his other stuff. Which, like Clay's routines, wasn't even the high point of his material. Don't get me wrong, the Be' Be's kids bit was funny, but the bit about fat chicks at the mall, the LA Clippers, and his constant throwing of Compton under the bus was comedic genius. Harris' timing was impeccable, his story telling was incredible, and like Clay, if you were in the audience and heckled him, he'd crush you. Tragically, his life ended at the age of 36, just when his career was taking off. Not only that, his wife was three months pregnant at the time. Below average. This cat touched a lot of people, me included. Do yourself a favor and check out Be' Be's Kids, you won't be disappointed.

Another day, more stuff....

LSU made me look like a genius yet again last night, now we'll see if WVU (my pick before the 2007-08 season to win it all in '08-'09) will keep the streak going....What's this? Knight Rider and American Gladiator being redone for the 2008 TV season? Fucking brutal...Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman's new flick Bucket List looks good for no other reason than seeing Jack tell that little tulip from Will and Grace, "No one cares what you think"....Number one seeds rarely lose in the divisional round of the NFL playoffs, yet with T.O. Owens being doubtful for Dallas on Sunday, I'm nervousing a little....Hey, it beats 8 and 8 tho'....The Dallas Mavericks will never win a championship, but the good news is the Suns and Rockets won't anytime soon either....Texas TE Jerimichael Finley's decision to turn pro is slightly curious as he is not as complete as Notre Dame's John Carlson, not as big as Mizzou's Martin Rucker, not as fast as USC's Fred Davis, not as versitile as CSU's Kory Sperry and not as athletic as A&M's Martellus Bennett....That projects him as a 5th round pick....Speaking of the NFL Draft, Howie Long's son, Chris, is a monster at DE for Virginia and most see him as a top 5 pick, but don't be suprised if Miami superstud Calais Campbell (6-8 290 lbs, with incredible agility) jumps ahead of him after the combine....Hillary C is crumbling like cheese, Rudy G is lying in the weeds, and Mike Huckabee is a douche...CM out.

Bayou Bengals v. Buckeyes

Tonight is the BCS Championship game, and the general consensus is that LSU will simply out quick Ohio State, making my 2 years in advance prediction true again for the 2nd year in a row. I believe LSU will win, but it's not just a clear cut case of speed over size. First, LSU will have a significant home field advantage playing in New Orleans, and second LSU is just more talented. LSU also has some size of their own, with OL Herman Johnson (6-7, 351 lbs) and DL Glenn Dorsey (6-2, 300 lbs), and with OLBs Luke Sanders (6-5, 240 lbs and a 500 lb bench press) and Ali Highsmith manning the flanks, the Tigers are loaded with talent. I like OSU's WRs, they're both big (6-3), and Robiskie will get behind you from time to time, but LSU's corners are both big as well (Seniors Chevis Jackson and Jon Zenon are ball hawking ball hawkers). OSU's James Laurinitis is hands down the best LB in the country (with apologies to PSU's Dan Connor) and DL Vernon Gholston is a good player as well, but I don't see them stopping LSU's Jacob Hester (5 yds per carry) and dynamic WR Early Doucet (50 catches in 8 games). For OSU to pull the upset, they need Laurinitis to be disruptive and cause a turnover or two, and RB Chris Wells to have a big game. When you come into a game needing turnovers before it starts, that's usually not a good sign. Let's go with LSU 27, OSU 17. Not the blowout of last year's game, but LSU is just too talented for the Bucks, who despite the loss, will have put together another outstanding campaign (their 3rd consecutive Top 5 finish).

Bin Laden is dead

The release of Bin Laden's latest audio tape was done after the assassination of Benazir Bhutto, which AlQeada claimed responsibility for. Yet OBL's "latest message" was about Iraq. Not only that, Bhutto said in an interview on November 2nd that Omar Shiekh, one of the masterminds of the 911 attacks, had killed Bin Laden. Why didn't OBL mention that Al Qeada had her (Bhutto) killed? Because the tape is old, and that bastard is fucking dead. That's good enough for me. I don't walk on people's graves, but in this case I'll plant my size 13ers all over OBL's. Keep coming up with "new" tapes you Al Qeada faggots, and my main man Petraeus and the Big Red One will continue routing you in Iraq. Proud American Maximus out.