Monday, May 2, 2011

And I am telling you: Navy SEALS Fly Two Bullets Into Osama's Brainpan

He didn't make it. They did everything they could do, but in the end there was nothing they could do. Buried at sea, just like my turds, except OBL don't float.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Long Night

For 700 centuries our people have celebrated Long Night, the coldest night in history when all the cavemen almost died, but they didn't.

In the time before our ancestors, beyond the wall of mountains, there was a winter colder than any winter before. And on the coldest, darkest, longest night, the cavemen were barely clinging to life. They were hungry. And between them, they had but one cow to eat. And as the night wore on, more and more people appeared at the cave. Friends, family, strangers, and even worst enemies, all cold, all starving, all desperate for succor. The cavemen could have sent them away, but they didn't. They opened their hearts, and this is what saved their lives, because the warmth of all those bodies pressing together, in the cave, kept them alive. And from that day, until the end of days, so shall it be. Long live Long Night!

Long Night is celebrated on December 21st with friends and foes alike, chugging grain alcohol(1 part beef bullion, 9 parts grain alcohol, just like momma used to make) and eating lots of grilled beef and rotten fruits.

Here is a documentary on Long Night: part 1 & part 2

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Neanderthal of the Year 1986

23 years ago this week in Sports Illustrated:

At the end of a spring training game on March 14, 1986 Houston Astros pitcher Bob Knepper praised the work of home plate umpire Pam Postema, who was hoping to land a job in the majors after 11 years in the minor leagues.

But then Knepper added, "This is not an occupation a woman should be in. In God's society, woman was created in a role of submission to the husband. It's not that woman is inferior, but I don't believe women should be in a leadership role."

Knepper was nominated for Neanderthal of the Year by the Houston chapter of the National Organization for Women.

"NOW is such a blowhard organization," Knepper replied. "They are a bunch of lesbians. Their focus has nothing to do with women's rights. It has everything to do with women wanting to be men."

I can remember seeing signs at games that said "Bob Knepper call your wife N.O.W."

It was an estrogen fueled firestorm at the time, but with 20/20 hindsight, we see who the real bigots were.

Monday, June 22, 2009

The Core 2

Jaguars coach Jack Del Rio was hoping to get more production from two-time Pro Bowl defensive tackle John Henderson this season. Already, he's disappointed.
Henderson pulled himself out of drills Monday, and Del Rio expressed frustration with the 6-foot-7, 335-pound veteran.

"Back when I played, and even prior to that, I don't think anybody would have had to miss a snap for it," Del Rio said. "I think it's a minor bruise of sorts. I would think Vince Lombardi is probably rolling over right now.

Little known fact: Lombardi was a huge Jaguars fan. "What's this? Henderson's missing OTAs? Contact."

Apparently it doesn't take much for Coach to start moving on an axis. Here are some examples from around the web horn:

In this one Coach is starting to rotate because the Texans won't tank their last game to get Reggie Bush in the draft: If you listen carefully, you will hear the gentle breeze carry with it a faint whirring sound. That sound would be Coach Lombardi, spinning furiously in his grave ...

Another commenter has Vince doing RPMs at the ridiculous suggestion that the Arizona Cardinals make the Super Bowl: I mean, ARIZONA?? Never mind Satan; how about Lombardi spinning in his grave?? LMMFAO

And even the racists are doing it. "Colonel Reb" fires up the Lombardi gyroscope over the idea that black guys can play wide receiver: They’re dreadful at receiving. The amount of dropped passes in the game today must have Vince Lombardi spinning in his grave. Yes Colonel Reb, these fools, using brothers when the 5'3" Scott "Tweeter" Caan is available.

These sins against the football gods have Lombardi spinning so hard he has begun to augur toward the center of the Earth, jeopardizing the rotation of the hot molten core, and threatening our way of life. There's only one way to stop him. Initiate the Halas Protocol.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Sunday, February 8, 2009