Vlad Putin: "Look at me....please....pay attention to me!!!"

Our old pal Tom Green can relate to Russian President Vladimir Putin's constant clamoring for attention. Russia, much like France, once held a significant place at the superpower table, and refuses to face the fact that it's basically over for them. They are...washed up, so to speak (something I know a lil' bit about). VPutin is pissed that the USA is expanding military bases in Europe, and is now claiming that this has triggered a new arms race. He has also blasted NATO and is threatening to dust off a bunch of old Russian military hardware in a pathetic attempt to show that Russia is still a factor somehow. Hey Putin: Stop poisoning dudes, and stop acting like you are relevant....You're not. I've simulated a Russia vs. USA war game in my brainpan and the score turned out to be USA: 58, Russia: 2, and the game wasn't really as close as the score indicated.

Trouble for the queen...

With many politicos on both sides hoping for Al Gore and Fred Thompson to be last minute entries into the presidential race, let's take a look at both of the so-called saviors in a head to head match up....Oh, that's right, Fred Thompson already kicked Al Gore's ass in Tennessee in a runoff way back when...Wow, another wasted post...Oh well, screw me.

CM jr set to graduate today

My little (6-3 190 lbs) boy is graduating from Plano High School today (a college size high school in Dallas' largest suburb) and I'm pretty proud. Having received letters from Vanderbilt, Rice, Texas and Texas A&M (for his academics), he should have no problem improving on my legacy of community college. I should have some photos up shortly.

Texas Tornado claims CM off of waivers

Remember this a-hole? The Texas Tornado of the Texas United Football League have invited him to camp to compete for their starting QB job. Apparently, there is a high demand for QBs that are past their prime. It's too bad really, as I was starting to enjoy the pot and beer laden phase 2.

That's my friend, Irish...

As part of his community service, Jammy 2 reader Mel Gibson is helping me come to the defense of Israel. Our old pal and Iranian a-hole Ahmedgenocide is at it again, this time trying to tell Israel how the cow eats corn. "Do not attack Lebanon, or a sea of nations will engulf you", said the mascara wearing mook. This dude attends anti-U.S. rallies, is working feverishly on a nuclear program, captures British soldiers and threatens our brothers in democracy, Israel. Yet some fucking motherfuckers act like going to war with Iran would be a bad thing. Some (Kerry, Obama) think that negotiation and understanding is the way to deal with Iran. As long as we understand that part of the negotiation is that us, Britain and Israel all must die quickly. I wonder if Rosie O'Fat wants to play THAT kind of football. It's us or them, people, and I'm going with us. Remember, you can't bash the president and eat cheese intravenously if you are in a wooden box being eaten by maggots. What I'm saying is, if you want to continue to exercise your right to do these things, you need to be LIVING in order to do so.

Positioning statement

My road dawg Comrade X has joined the fray and we're glad to have him at the deuce. His posts will be interesting no doubt. However, before we get labeled as a "hate blog", we'd just like to say that we harbor no ill will towards homosexuals, and all of our "fag" and "homo" blasts are not intended to be gay bashing. As X said in his post, there's nothing wrong with being gay. We'd also like to say that we encourage the lifestyle of the very lovely Deb, who just happens to be gay. We love all humans (except those that suck) and hope that this positioning statement echoes that sentiment.

The suckiest sucks that ever sucked

The Steve-o's favorite show American Idol took it in the shorts as Comrade X's beloved Dancing With The Stars won the ratings battle last night.....I wish Tony Soprano would curb Simon Cowell.

BF Mike Moore: He's a star in France

Longtime fatass filmmaker and legendary buffet wrecker Mike Moore is getting big ups for his latest film: "Sicko", a scathing documentary about the U.S. health care system and its shortcomings. At the Cannes Film Festival in France, the bloated and gaseous Moore can hardly get around without being mobbed. Let me get this straight, people in France are on board with criticizing the U.S.? No...fucking...way!!! Hey, Mike: Stop eating box carcass beef sandwiches, and mix in a salad as well as a movie that doesn't rip the greatest nation in the history of ever. While I'm at it, hey, Francophiles: You are able to smoke, eat sticks of butter, be bisexual as all get out, and make the practice of bathing optional, because WE liberated your asses twice. It's basically over for you France as as a super power, as you will be known as North Morocco in a few years, while we in the U.S. are in our prime. Accept it.

Why Jimmy, Why?

"How they REALLY get down" has been postponed for this: Former President Jimmy Carter has called the Bush administration "the worst ever" and referred to outgoing British Prime Minister Tony Blair as "a blind servant". Jimmy, you had your run as Commander in Chief, and the facts will always show that the Iran hostage situation went on far too long because of your unwillingness to act. Hell, Ross Perot wanted to jump in and personally fund a rescue mission while YOU wanted to negotiate. The truth is that within MINUTES, not days, months or weeks, of Ronald Reagan taking office, the hostages were released. Just by swearing in, Reagan was more effective in minutes than you were in months of trying to negotiate with the Iranians. This is the same Jimmy Carter who criticized Reagan's cold war tactics in the 1980's. You remember, when we stopped trying to negotiate with our enemies and chose to bargain from a position of strength, through an expansive military buildup. Jimmy, you're a nice guy, and I respect all Presidents, but this is the kind of garbage that is eroding our great society. If you would have done it differently, then say JUST that, and leave it at that. George Bush is our commander of the armed forces now, and he was elected by the people. You running your mouth about him and Tony Blair is flat out anti-American. Free speech is cool, but Jesus, Mary and Joseph, use some decorum, holmes, please.

Phase II begins; Dominated by pot and beer

I'm looking forward to phase II beginning in earnest this weekend.

Have a good weekend y'all.

Crasshole out.

Phase II: When I know what it is, you will too

That's the deal. Always have a "phase II", in case your first plan doesn't work out. Phase II in this case is what the hell am I going to do now that I'm too washed up to play full contact football. Coaching ? Nope, I've done it before and the rush is nowhere near what playing was, that's why I played in 2006 and 2007. Golf ? The Steve-O once told me I'd get more of a rush out of it than football. I hit a 400 yard drive a few years ago, and although that was a nice moment (I had a witness and ev'ry thang), it still didn't measure up. Watch my sons play sports ? Man, I do that anyway, and although my 7 year old was league MVP on the best team in the league, that's for him. I can't live vicariously through my kids, as their life is their own. Weightlifting ? Again, I do that anyway, and it is really pretty damn boring. Motocross ? Comrade X swears by it, and it really is the only thing (other than sex) that gives me that endorphine dump I so desire, but living in the city makes it more of a some time thing than football, which dominated my life for the past 14 years. I just hung up the cleats 2 weeks ago, and I'm already starting to fidget. Like I said, when I know what phase II for me is, you will too.

CM's Top 5 Law and Order characters

I'm talking about the original franchise, not the SUV or any other D'Nofrio spin off.

1. Det. Lenny Briscoe - (Jerry Orbach) - the self styled king of the wise crack, the show was built on his experience and lifesmack
2. Assist. DA Jack McCoy - (Sam Waterston) - This dude wins 99 out of 100 cases and unlike the rotating LTs (Dann Florek and S.Epatha Merkeson) he hates all perps
3. Det. Joe Fontana - (Dennis Farina) - They should have kept this cat around longer, with his $1700 shirts and $125,000 cars (on a $50,000 salary) he uses tricknology to get what he wants from perps and witnesses alike
4. D A Arthur Branch - (Fred Thompson) - What else can you say about the Tennessee sour mash swilling Branch other than the irrefutable fact that he...is...awesome....I also love how he pronounces McCoy Mack Coy
5. Det. Mike Logan - (Chris Noth) - If Florek would stop nervousing all the time, Logan would solve every case. Not only that, if you kill his partner, he will draw down on you to get a confession

Editor's Note: Angie Harmon, Carey Lowell and Anne Parisse are all very good lookin', but the hottest L&A alum is the very lesbian Elizabeth Rohm

How they REALLY get down

This week: Nationwide Insurance

The insurance business is awesome. They love you when you are paying, but call you a liar when you file a claim. Now obviously, I'm not singling out the boys at Nationwide Ins. for this policy, as it is industry wide. You've heard and seen the ads: "Nationwide is on your side ", a cute jingle supported by an interesting ad campaign, designed to shroud the stench of their lies. Nationwide's angle is the statistically unlikely accident, i.e. the person driving into a pool while celebrating winning the lottery, or the auto repair shop allowing your vehicle to catch on fire, followed up by the inference that you are covered. In the lottery winner turned u-boat commander ad, the insured calls the agent while sitting in the pool and asks: "Am I covered ?" to which the agent responds: "Yes, about five feet ", a wisecrack of Lenny Briscoe proportions which always causes uproarious laughter. Notice the agent never really says the insured is insured. So Nationwide's deal is highlighting the rarest of accidents and only inferring coverage....."Nationwide is on your siiiide" The odds of these type of accidents actually happening are infinitesimal, only surpassed by the odds of Nationwide actually paying the claim. Hey Nationwide: Stop lying about covering accidents that will never happen in order to get people to pay for coverage on accidents that do, so you can then find a way deny the claim.

B Obama: Why color is a factor

OK,ok, I've been accused of being a right winger before, (so much in fact it has cost me at least one reader, but it's cool I don't go to his spot anymore anyway) but in this case I am evaluating Mr. Obama on his own merits, not against anyone else in particular. Now this may come as a shock to Obama supporters (I have many teammates on The Dallas Xpress who support him), but color is a factor with Senator Obama. That color is green. Not money green mind you, as BO has many wealthy backers, so he's ok there. Green as in dude is just woefully inexperienced. It shows in his debate responses and in his service record. Mr. Obama does have potential and certainly has the right to run, I just think he needs seasoning. The American people will too, as they (we ) don't want to give the keys to the car to a one term Senator in these very "unique" times. To that one reader I lost: If you happen to be reading, I'm sorry my views ran you off, but you need to be more tough skinned that that. Or even better, talk me out my views, if yours are so much better.

Spuds McKenzie, Joe Camel and now: Mustafa Mouse

It's a longtime tradition to try to influence kids to start drinking beer with a cute lil' dog, or to start smoking with a super debonair upright walking camel. After all, they are the future boiler having, heater wielding members of society, so let's get 'em started as early as possible. That dang ol' Hamas has taken it to a new level with the introduction of Farfour, a Mickey Mouse style character with a really cute twist: Dude hates Jews and Americans, and gives helpful tips on AK-47 operation. Broadcast on Hamas run Al-Aqsa TV, it's kind of a fun way to prepare kids for Jihad over in the extremely wacky Gaza Strip. Oh, Hamas, you guys are such a hoot.

Quarterbacks and boogers

Like bacon and cigarettes, coke and whores, boogers and QBs are inexorably linked. It's true, and I'll tell you how: A few weeks back I was wrapping up my final season in semi pro football (my 12th overall), and at practice I remember going over a few technique tips. Namely, how to execute a "play action pass", or for our non football fan reader(s) a deceptive tactic where the QB (me) acts like he's giving the ball to a runner, but actually keeps it and then throws it. The key is to hold the ball with your non throwing hand and while faking the hand off, "scrape the back of your hand across the runner's stomach like you are trying to wipe off a booger", as coaches will tell you. We're doing the drill, and the coach even says: "Get the snap, Scrape the booger!, set and deliver the ball ". In the next drill, we (the QBs) are throwing short passes, and the key is to deliver the ball with a "flicking motion" in your follow through, to insure accuracy, much like you are flicking a booger off of your index finger using your thumb. I airmailed a pass to a running back and the coach screamed: "Come the fuck on, JC!! Flick the booger!!, You're damn near 40 (37 actually), you've flicked more boogers than any of us!!!" (Which is true, disgustingly true.) I'll most likely never put the pads on or play football ever again, and there are a million things I'll miss about it: The intensity, the shit-talking, the camaraderie and the spectacle of it all. One thing I won't miss is booger talk.

How they REALLY get down

This week: Blockbuster Videos

That's right y'all, it's time for another failed cyber-segment. This one is called: How they REALLY get down. It details the perceived personas of very public members/factions of our society and pulls back the curtain on what their real angle is. The bastards over at Blockbuster have been bitter for a few years now, as Comcast and Direct TV have cut into their profits substantially by offering access to the same first run movies by simply pushing a button on one's remote control. Not only that, the boys at Netflix have also jumped on the pile with their home delivery of movies and video games as well. So how does Blockbuster respond? By deception and theft, of course. If you have ever rented the Defensive Driving Course Take Home version from ol' BB, you know that it runs about $40. Just like every rental, the cashier tells you what day the DVD is due back in the store as you are leaving, seemingly to be helpful. What they always seem to leave out is the fact that the Def. Driving course is due back before noon on the due date. Not before the store closes like all other rentals. So you're saying, "Ok, it's kind of a shady way to get two or three bucks in late fees, but is it really worth an entire post, CM ?" Yes, because actually, the late fee on the Def. Driving course is the entire $40 rental fee. Think you can complain your way out of it? Nope. The manager doesn't care, and the home office doesn't care either.....Wow! What a difference! Blockbuster Video!!!! Wow!!....Yeah, I know 40 bucks only gets me to about 10 am every day so it's not a huge amount either, but it's my 40 bucks, you fuckin' mutherfuckers!!! It is hands down the most chicken shit policy ever, a really cheap way to reach into your customer's pockets.

In closing I'd like to say: Hey Blockbuster, stop being lying liars, and fuck the fuck off!!!

Hey USA network: Stop jamming "The Starter Wife" down my throat

That's right, those annoying promos wif Debra Messing are stealing minutes of my life that I'll never get back.

Have a good weekend, you bitch ass bitches.

The cannon is full.

Crasshole out.

A slight philosophical shift

After May Day and what not, I've had a slight change of heart on this immigration deal. I no longer think we should seal the borders. I now believe we should limit the amount of immigrants, and accompany their entry with the strictest of documentation. In controlled amounts (say 100,000 per year, with percentages of the whole based on a country's population), immigrants usually prove to be hard workers, who are glad to be here, and eventually assimilate to our society. Of course, if you commit a crime (traffic tickets excluded) you are gone immediately. No, another spot does not open up for the deported, as we have to show we are serious about law and order. In Texas, most of the angst, ok all of the angst, is directed at our Mexican neighbors. In reality, all of the Mexican immigrants I've ever met are humble, hard working cats, looking to get ahead the right way. People like that tend to contribute to the greatness of our nation, and over time, become critical components of society. I used to see it as adding more rats to the millions already chasing the same crumb, but now I see it for what it is: People trying to escape a den of inequity. As far as anyone coming over and taking what's mine (ours), it won't happen as long as I (we) stay on my (our) game. As Americans we should thrive on competition, and let's face it: As natives, we have the home field advantage. A path to LEGAL, controlled immigration is the way to go.

If you think I've gone soft, a game of human chicken will show you otherwise.

Why the internet will never catch on

Yeah, I know, a few people have access to the Internet, but it's really not viable for the long term, and here's why:

1. As predicted years ago, computers are so huge and expensive, only movie stars and presidents can afford them
2. It's extremely expensive and hard to get published
3. There seems to be a lack of porno available on the net
4. How can someone in Texas communicate with some one from New York or Arizona or Pennsylvania, much less Australia and the UK?
5. Only experienced and published writers have anything interesting to say, so that's why newspapers have and always will be the main source of info
6. Al Gore really invented this thing for himself and the Chi-Coms only

There you have it, 6 irrefutable reasons why this intranet thing just won't work.

Where are the good writers? In the blogosphere, that's where

Honestly folks, I'm not pounding my chest or touting my other peeps in Blogger Nation, but as far as sports writin' goes, the so called professionals just plain blow. Here's a rundown of the local and national hacks: Locally, Tim Cowlishaw is boring; Jean Jaques Taylor is marginally interesting at best; Kevin Sherrington is a douche; Rick Gosselin is a flat out fraud when it comes to the NFL and the Draft, as he doesn't follow college football until March, then stops after the draft in April; Randy Galloway is kind of interesting, but certainly not enough to buy the Fort Worth paper. Nationally, Rick Reilly (Sports Illustrated) comes off like a guy I'd like to punch dead in his grill; His bunk mates Peter King and Paul Zimmerman have missed the mark so many times it's not even funny anymore. The cats I like to read are in the blogosphere, such as: Los, El Padrino, Superstar, Deb and the best of all: the mysterious Comrade X (I'm anxiously awaiting his new spot to jump off). The best part is that they all are available free of charge. If any of y'all know anyone I've left off please tell me, and if you want to tell me who sucks, I'd like to hear that as well.